Cold Feet
by Rapunzel4
Summary: A MoR entry. Duo has something he wants to tell Heero, but fate seems determined to interfere.


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. If I thought I did, they would have locked me in the mad house quite a while ago.  
Warnings: shounen ai, mild angst, sap, possibly overdone storyline  
Author's Note: This was written for the Moments of Rapture Fanfiction Contest (Fall, 2003)

Cold Feet  
By Rapunzel

The first thing Duo Maxwell heard when he woke up to greet the new day was the irritating buzz of his alarm clock. On an ordinary morning, he would have cursed the damned thing for disturbing him. He would have pulled a hand out from under the covers, fumbling around until he managed to find and hit the snooze button, granting himself another five minutes of sleep.

Not this morning. This morning he practically vaulted out of bed, slapping the alarm into silence almost as an afterthought. Eagerly, he hunted for his clothing. After completing his morning ablutions and dressing, he nervously ate a piece of toast. It wasn't a very large breakfast, but under the circumstances, he thought that advisable. He was so nervous that he didn't think he could have stomached much else.

Today was the day.

Not that there was any reason that today had to be the day. The date was purely arbitrary. He had picked it by spreading a calendar out in front of him, closing his eyes, and putting his finger down on a random square. Now that it was chosen, however, he was determined not to back down. He was afraid that if he did back down, he might never get his nerve up again.

Today was the day he was going to corner Heero Yuy and tell him, once and for all, how he felt about him.

It was something he should have done long ago, and he knew that. He had been trying for quiet a while. However, every time he got close to blurting out the truth, he would stop. Towards the end of the war, when he had first realized his feelings, there had simply been no time. Then, after the war, Heero had vanished. During the Mariemeia incident, Heero had been too distracted with rescuing Relena to really listen, and immediately after that, he had vanished **again**! It was enough to make Duo want to bang his head against the nearest stationary object.

Of course, Heero had returned, but Duo's attempts at confession still had not faired well. It ought to have been easy, really. After all, once Heero had returned, he had joined the Preventors and promptly become Duo's partner. He normally saw Heero eight hours a day, five days a week, at least. His problem now wasn't that he didn't have any time to tell Heero. It was that he had entirely too much time.

Now every time he tried to tell Heero, he found himself making excuses not to. The time was never right, for whatever reason. Either they were too busy working on a case, or Heero wasn't in the right mood to listen, or Duo had something else to take care of. He simply kept telling himself that he'd talk to him later, but later never seemed to come.

That was why he had taken drastic measures. He hoped that by fixing a specific date, he would finally get it over and done with. Then Heero would know, for better or for worse.

Since picking the date, Duo had given up all other attempts to confide in Heero, concentrating all his willpower on this one effort. He had spent quite a while psyching himself up for today. He felt nervous and jittery, but determined and confident at the same time. The weather outside seemed to be mirroring his mood, cautiously hopeful. The sun was shining, not to brightly, but shining none the less.

As Duo got into his car and prepared to head to work, he allowed himself a smile. Today, he was going to do it properly. Nothing would go wrong.

~*~*~

As he sat in his car, stuck in a traffic jam, Duo reflected that he shouldn't have been quite so sure of himself that morning. He had been hoping to get to the office slightly earlier than usual that morning, thus allowing himself time to talk to Heero before most of the other agents arrived. Now that plan was shot to hell. He'd be lucky if he made it in on time at this rate.

Scowling at the mass of cars in front of him, Duo settled in to wait. There was nothing to be done now but move on to plan B.

~*~*~

"You're late."

"Thank you, Master of the Obvious," Duo muttered back irritably. The moment the words came out of his mouth, he could have smacked himself. He was supposed to be telling Heero he loved him, not biting his head off for something beyond his control. Fortunately, Heero didn't seem to mind; in fact, he didn't look up from his paperwork to acknowledge Duo at all.

On second thought, maybe that wasn't so fortunate.

"Hey, Heero, what're you working on?" he asked.

Heero grunted in response, not looking up.

"That important, huh?" Duo teased, but he felt his spirits dropping. Heero was in one of those moods. Periodically, he would get like this, ultra-focused, and ignore everything but his work. Duo found this extremely irritating, but the periods never lasted more than a day at most. Sometimes, after a few hours, Heero would surface from his work and become his usual self again, not exactly talkative, but at least not dead to the world.

The problem was that with Heero in this state, confessing his undying devotion would be about as pointless as talking to a tree stump. 

"Great," Duo muttered to himself as he sat down at his desk. "On to plan C."

"Did you say something?" Heero asked disinterestedly, not looking up from the file he was reading.

"It's not important," Duo responded dismally.

~*~*~

After two hours, things were starting to look up. Duo had managed to reduce his inbox to something vaguely resembling order, Une's reprimand about his tardiness had been shorter than usual, and, most importantly, Heero was showing some signs of returning to the land of the living. He occasionally took a drink from his cup of tea, instead of just ignoring it, and he responded to Duo's questions or remarks in sentence fragments, rather than grunts or monosyllables. Okay, so they were small signs, but they were signs.

"Hey, Heero," Duo finally ventured. "Maybe you should put down that file. You've been reading through it for the past couple of hours, and I can't imagine it's **that** interesting."

At first he thought Heero wasn't paying attention to him, but after a moment his partner sighed slightly and closed the folder, setting it aside on his desk. Duo grinned and allowed himself to do a small mental victory dance. Finally, Heero's attention was focused on something other than boring paperwork!

"See, now isn't that much better?" he asked, smiling at the other man.

"Not really," Heero answered blandly. "I still haven't found the details I'm looking for."

"Well, tell me what you're looking for, and I'll help you," Duo volunteered.

"Don't you have enough work of your own to do?" Heero asked. "Especially since you showed up late this morning."

Duo glowered at him. "You're going to make a big deal about that all day, aren't you? It wasn't my fault! For your information, I happened to leave early this morning. I couldn't help it there was a traffic jam."

"You left early?" Heero asked, half disbelieving, half teasing. 

"Yes," Duo informed him almost haughtily. "I left early."

"Why?" Heero asked.

"So I could get here early," Duo responded.

"Why did you want to get here early?" Heero persisted. "I thought you liked your sleep more than paperwork."

"I like a lot of things more than I like paperwork," Duo muttered. "That wasn't why. I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh?" Heero sounded genuinely interested, and Duo took heart from that. His chance had finally come. Looking Heero in the eye seriously, he opened his mouth...

The door opened suddenly, and Wufei poked his head inside their office. "Yuy, I need the Covell file, and I think you have it."

Heero's head had swung around when the door opened, breaking his gaze with Duo so he could focus on the newcomer. "I'm not done with it yet," he said.

"Well, please hurry up and finish," Wufei said curtly. "I need it soon." Without any further comment, he left, closing the door behind him.

"Right," Heero muttered, picking up the folder again and beginning his perusal of it anew.

For a moment, Duo considered screaming loudly for as long as he could, but decided that it would just convince Heero that he was mentally unstable. Instead, he watched Heero flipping through the file for a moment before going back to his own work with a defeated sigh. Fate, it seemed, was not on his side. Then again, when was it ever?

~*~*~

As the lunch hour approached, Duo found himself getting more and more agitated. He was afraid that he was losing his nerve. Since Wufei's interruption, he had tried to initiate a conversation with Heero several times, only to stop himself. At first, he rationalized it by telling himself that Wufei might come back seeking the file again if Heero held on to it too long, and he didn't want another interruption. However, the longer he waited, the more he grew to realize that he was simply stalling, which was just what he had hoped to avoid doing by fixing a date.

/Come on, Maxwell, get your act together,/ he told himself sternly. /What's the worst that could happen?/

His mind instantly supplied him with several worst case scenarios, each one more unpleasant than the last, and he had to admit that the worst could be pretty damn bad. After all, depending on how badly Heero took it, he might literally be taking his life in his hands by confessing. Of course, the possibility of that was slight; Heero wasn't nearly as violent as he had been during the wars. Still, several of Heero's possible reactions, as supplied by his imagination, would be bad enough.

/Maybe it would be better to just play it safe,/ Duo thought gloomily. However, he found that he simply couldn't stand the thought of giving up. /The best things in life always require some risk, right? Right./

Having bolstered his resolution, Duo turned to Heero, opened his mouth... and promptly lost his nerve again. /God damn it!/ he thought as he turned back to his computer, where he was typing up a formal letter. Stabbing at the keys a little more viciously than was necessary, he went back to typing. At the same time, he was mentally berating himself. /Come, on, just a sentence, even a few words would do! It shouldn't be this hard! I should just open my mouth and tell him! TELL HIM!/

He paused in his typing, stared at the screen blankly for a moment, then realized with a small jolt that he had been so focused inward that he had accidentally typed what he was thinking. The words "tell him" blazed across his screen, looking rather out of place amid the other, more formal sentences of the letter. Hastily, Duo deleted them.

/God, it's gotten to the point where I'm sending subliminal messages to myself,/ he thought disgustedly. /I wonder if that's a sign of mental instability or something./ Despondently, he prepared himself to continue working on the letter, when an idea occurred to him. /A letter! That's it! All I have to do is type a letter and leave it where Heero can find and read it, and then he'll know./ Part of his mind objected to this solution on the basis that it was a cowardly way out, but the rest of his mind pointed out that it might work better than all his previous attempts, and if the end result was the same, what did it matter?

Hastily, he finished his letter, eager to begin working on his personal assignment. After several minutes of sitting and trying to think of the proper wording, he finally decided what the hell, and plunged right in.

"Dear Heero,

"There's something I've been meaning to say to you for quite a while, but I can never seem to voice it when I'm around you. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, I never seem to find the right time. I guess I'm hoping that by writing you a letter instead of talking to you, I can let you decide what is 'the right time.'

"We've know each other for quite a while now, and we've been friends for most of that time. I've always thought that we work well with each other, even if we don't always agree. That friendship really means a lot to me, and I hope I'm not about to ruin it with what I want to say to you.

"Anyway, you're probably wondering by now what exactly I'm trying to tell you with all this. It's just that lately I've been feeling that friendship isn't enough..."

Duo paused, reread the last sentence, and then carefully deleted it. The last thing he wanted to imply was that Heero's friendship was inadequate. Hesitating a moment, he tried to think how he wanted to word what he was trying to say. Then he continued typing.

"Lately, however, I have begun to wonder whether a relationship based on more than simply friendship would be possible..."

He frowned, not liking the wording of that one either. After a moment's consideration, he deleted that too. Sighing heavily, he tried again.

"I guess the only way to really put this is bluntly. I really, really like you, Heero. In fact, I think I'm in love with you. Don't ask me how or why; it wasn't a conscious decision on my part."

"Are you almost done with your letter?" Heero asked.

Duo nearly jumped out of his seat in surprise and alarm. Then he realized that Heero meant the formal letter he had been typing. "Almost," he answered, and continued typing.

"There. Now you know. I know you're probably wondering what you should do about it. I don't really have an answer for you. You can just ignore it, if you'd like, but I'm hoping you'll come talk to me after you've read this. After all, I meant for this to be a way of starting the conversation.

"Yours Truly, Duo"

He paused for a moment, wondering about the last part, but finally decided that when taken with the rest of the letter, it wasn't too bad. After proofreading it briefly, he hit the print key, printing it out along with his more formal correspondence. "Done," he said cheerfully. "And just in time for lunch, too," he added, glancing at the clock. "Hey, Heero, want to come eat with me?"

Heero grunted an affirmative, standing up and grabbing his coat. Duo was careful to make sure that his partner proceeded him out the door, and when he was certain Heero's back was turned, he quietly left the letter face down on Heero's desk, for the other to find when he returned. Then he followed Heero out the door.

~*~*~

"It looks like rain."

Heero's simple statement made Duo look up at the sky, where gray clouds formed a nearly continuous blanket across the sky. "That's odd," he remarked. "It was sunny this morning."

Heero shrugged. "The weather can change at any moment."

"Kind of like luck," Duo muttered to himself, thinking about his. Hopefully it had changed since this morning.

"What was that?" Heero asked.

"Nothing," Duo answered nonchalantly. "Hey, Heero, why don't you go on ahead? I think I'm going to get a soda to take back."

"I can wait for you," Heero offered. 

"No, no, go on ahead," Duo insisted. "It'll only take a minute. I'll meet you back in the office, okay? And be sure to check for messages for me, will ya?"

Heero looked slightly confused at Duo's rather unusual request, but he shrugged it off and began to walk back. Duo ducked back inside the small café they usually ate lunch at, purchased his soda, and then sat down at one of the table and sipped his drink absently. He glanced at his watch, wondering how much time he should leave for Heero to find and read his letter.

Finally, after five minutes, Duo rose to his feet and began to slowly walk back towards his office. By that time, he figured, Heero must have found and read the letter. Heero was such a neat freak when it came to his desk that he was sure to notice the out-of-place paper sitting there. The only question was how he would react.

When he reached his office, Duo paused outside the door. He couldn't hear any sounds from within, but he wasn't sure if that was a good sign or a bad one. On the one hand, it might mean that Heero was taking it calmly. On the other hand, Heero didn't always make noise when he was pissed off. Sighing heavily, Duo decided he might as well get it over with, and pushed open the door.

The office was empty. There was no sign of Heero, and his letter was still sitting face down on the desk. Knitting his browns in confusion, Duo stared around the empty workspace. Where the hell was Heero?

"Agent Maxwell?"

Duo just about jumped out of his skin. Spinning around, he met the slightly amused look of Commander Une. "Une! You startled me!"

The spark of amusement in her eyes grew slightly brighter. "Yes, I can see that."

"Um... Was there something you wanted?"

"Actually, yes. Yuy was supposed to give me a report today, and I'm here to collect it."

"Heero still hasn't gotten back from lunch," Duo told her.

Une was undeterred. "He said that he had it ready for me. It's probably on his desk." She moved past Duo into the room and began to survey Heero's desk. Her eyes fell on the piece of paper lying face down on the desk, and she reached for it.

Duo was beside the desk in an instant, whisking it out from under her hand and laughing nervously. "Oh, it's not this. Have you ever seen a report that was just one page?"

Une raised her eyebrows slightly at his rather unusual reaction. "What is it? Anything I should take a look at?"

"Oh, no," Duo said, still laughing. "It's just a rough draft of something that I asked Heero to read over for me. Totally worthless, you don't need to waste your time reading it." To illustrate his point, he crumpled the paper in his hand and tossed it carelessly into the trash can.

Une gave him an odd look, but then turned and continued to survey Heero's desk.

"Is that it under the folder?" Duo asked, eager for her to find her damn report and get out of his office.

She pulled out the neat sheaf of papers that he had pointed out and glanced over them. "Yes, this is it." She turned to head for the door, but then paused and turned back. "By the way, Maxwell, that piece of paper you had earlier..."

Duo froze. "What about it?" he forced himself to ask cheerfully, a grin on his face.

"Kindly pull it out of the trash and deposit it in the recycling bin."

The grin intensified. "Sure thing, Ms. Recycling Nazi."

Une snorted and left the office, muttering under her breath about Maxwell and his nicknames. When the door finally shut behind her, Duo allowed himself to sag against his desk in relief. Then he reached into the trash can and pulled out his crumpled letter. For a moment he stared at it in silence. "What the hell was I thinking," he muttered to himself. Then, resisting the urge to send it through the shredder instead, he did as Une had bade and threw it into the recycling bin.

He was seated at his desk when Heero returned. "What took you so long?" he asked.

"I forgot my coat and went back to get it," Heero answered, holding up the item in question.

"Oh," was all Duo said.

Heero walked over to his desk and sat down, then surveyed it critically. "Someone's been at my desk while I was gone," he said accusingly. 

"Yeah. Une stopped by and grabbed that report you had for her."

Heero nodded, still frowning at his desk. He opened his mouth for a moment, but then glanced at Duo and shut it again. Duo was glad; he didn't really feel like talking just then.

The two of them went back to work in utter silence.

~*~*~

"Are you alright?"

Duo blinked at the question. "Sure, why do you ask?"

Heero shrugged. "You've been quiet all afternoon."

Duo didn't respond to that. He knew he was being unusually quiet, but he really just didn't feel like talking. Since his failed attempt with the letter, he'd been feeling particularly down in the dumps, and couldn't really muster enough enthusiasm or optimism to try again. Besides, if his luck earlier that day was any indication, he'd only have been thwarted again. Whoever controlled fate just seemed to have it in for him that day.

"...what do you say, Duo?"

"Huh?"

"I said," Heero repeated, looking hard at him, "that I want to compare notes with you about one of the cases. We could go over to my place after work and talk."

Duo considered the offer. They did this sort of thing fairly often, going over to Heero's apartment or his. Some work discussion got done, but it certainly didn't end up being the focus of the evening, more often than not. Usually, Duo enjoyed these little get-togethers. Right then, however, he wasn't sure he was up to spending several more hours in even closer proximity to Heero.

"I don't know," he answered. "I might not be able to..."

"Do you have anything else planned tonight?" Heero asked, his tone saying clearly that he knew damn well that Duo didn't. 

There was no getting out of this one, it seemed, at least not without either pushing Heero away or flat out lying to him. Neither one was an option Duo really wanted to take. "I guess I could manage it."

Heero looked very satisfied with himself. "Good. I'll order out for pizza then." He stood up and put on his coat. "Should I give you a ride?"

"Nah," Duo answered. "I'll need my car later. I'll just follow you in a bit, okay?"

"Sure," Heero said. "See you in a bit."

Duo watched him go, then, once the door had closed behind Heero, put his head on the desk. He considered backing out and phoning Heero to say something had come up. That probably wouldn't work, however; Heero was almost certain to know he was lying. Heero seemed to have figured out that Duo was reluctant to go for some reason, hence the offer of the pizza, a food Duo liked that Heero normally didn't eat. Idly, he wondered if Heero had any guesses as to why he was so reluctant, and if so, what they were. Then he decided that it didn't matter, dragged himself out of his chair, and got ready to leave.

It was raining when he stepped outside. Cursing his lack of foresight, for he had neither a coat nor an umbrella with him, Duo dashed to the nearest cover and made his way towards his car. Despite his attempts to stay out of the weather, he was soaked by the time he climbed behind the wheel. /Great,/ he thought sourly. /The perfect end to a perfect day./ 

Things only got worse when he reached Heero's apartment. For the life of him, he couldn't find a parking space close to the place, and ended up having to park further down the street and repeat his mad dash for cover. /What the hell,/ he thought. /I'm already wet./

And so, he finally came to be standing, dripping and cold, in front of Heero's door. Heero had evidently been waiting for him, as the door opened almost immediately after his knock.

Heero looked him up and down. "You're soaked," he said.

"Once again, you state the obvious," Duo growled. "Unlike you, I didn't bring my coat with me today."

"Didn't you read the weather report? They said it was likely to rain."

Duo thought back, but couldn't remember anything about a weather report. He'd been so intent that morning that it hadn't even crossed his mind.

Heero shook his head. "Never mind." He stood back from the door. "Come on in."

Gladly, Duo removed his shoes, partially because it was expected of him, and partially because they were sopping wet and he was glad to be rid of them, and followed Heero inside. The moment he did, he caught the unmistakable scent of pizza.

"It beat you here," Heero told him, observing that he was sniffing the air.

"I'm not **that** late," Duo muttered sullenly.

"No," Heero answered. "They were just unusually fast with the delivery this time. Come on, let's eat."

Dinner was somewhat more subdued than their usual meals together. Heero ended up doing most of the talking, something that almost never happened, because Duo still didn't feel like making conversation. He was wondering if it was still worth it to try and salvage his plan for the day. By the end of the meal, however, he'd decided to just let it go and try to enjoy being around Heero in an environment other than work.

"You're still wet," Heero observed after dinner.

"I'm drying," Duo said. "Slowly, but I'm drying."

"You look cold," Heero observed. "I can make some tea if you want it."

Duo opened his mouth to protest that Heero really didn't need to go through the trouble, but paused to reconsider. He really was feeling a bit chilled. "That would be great."

Heero smiled slightly and headed back into his small kitchen area to put a kettle on. Duo, meanwhile, wandered out into the living room. There was very little in the way of furniture in that room, but there was a window seat that Duo favored. He settled himself there and looked out the window at the rain.

Funny, it hadn't even crossed his mind that morning that it might rain. But then, nothing that day had gone according to plan. It served him right, he supposed, for being overly confident. What was that old saying, that pride came before a fall? Only in his case that wasn't quite accurate. He hadn't fallen, exactly, just failed to move up. The only thing that had fallen was his hope of ever succeeding in telling Heero how he felt. That had not only fallen, it had hit the ground and been dashed to pieces.

Not for the first time, Duo seriously considered just giving up. The lack of progress was seriously beginning to wear at him, and he wasn't sure that whatever response he got from Heero would be worth the effort. The more he tried to show or tell Heero how he felt, the more he knew it was going to hurt if he was rejected. Still, there was always that one, slim chance...

A mug of something warm and steaming appeared under his nose, and Duo looked up to find Heero regarding him with a mixture of amusement and concern. "I didn't think rain was all that fascinating," he said.

Duo shrugged and accepted the mug gratefully. "It's not," he said. "I was just zoning out for a bit. Sorry about that."

He expected Heero to shrug or nod understandingly, or laugh at him. However, Heero simply rocked back on his heals and scrutinized him closely for a moment. "You've been doing that a lot ever since lunch time," Heero said. "Did something happen?"

Duo opened his mouth, and then abruptly shut it again. Damn. How as he supposed to answer that without either lying (which he didn't want to do) or explaining the whole thing?

But Heero took the decision out of his hands. "You know," he said randomly, "I actually didn't leave my coat behind at lunch today."

Duo frowned. "You didn't? But then why did you say..." he trailed off, suddenly realizing the implications in what Heero was saying.

"Because I got all the way back to the office, then decided that I needed to talk to you."

Duo drew a breath in sharply. If Heero had actually gotten back to the office before the little incident with Une, then surely he would have seen the letter. "You read..." he started to ask, but then stopped. What if Heero hadn't read the letter? But surely he must have, or he wouldn't be bringing it up.

Heero answered his half finished question anyway. "Yes, I read it." He leaned over closer to Duo. "Why did you get rid of it?"

"Une came in looking for the report, and I lost my nerve," Duo murmured dejectedly. I lost my nerve... That seemed to be the story of his relationship with Heero. "I'm such a coward," he said abruptly, turning away from Heero and staring out the window again.

For a moment, neither of them said anything. Duo watched his breath mist against the cold glass, unwilling to turn around. It was up to Heero now to decide what came next, But Duo wasn't sure he wanted to see what course of action Heero would choose. Still, he consoled himself by thinking that at least none of his absolute worst possible scenarios had come to pass. At least, not yet.

"I don't think you're a coward," Heero finally said softly. "At least, no more than I am."

Duo's breath caught for a moment in hopeful surprise. He didn't turn away from the window, but he found Heero's reflection in the glass and studied it closely. Heero wasn't looking at him, however, he was staring at the floor.

"What do you mean?" Duo asked just as softly. Unconsciously, he held his breath, half desperate to hear the answer, half afraid.

"I was afraid to act too," Heero admitted. "So afraid that I didn't dare until I read that letter and knew that you felt the same."

The air trapped inside Duo's lungs exited with a whoosh. "You... felt the same..." he repeated hesitantly. He turned away from the window, and Heero's eyes came up from the floor to meet his.

"Duo, I..." Heero started, but Duo cut him off, reaching up and drawing Heero down to him. At first, their lips brushed once, clumsily, but by then, Heero had the idea, and he ducked down again, making the second kiss firmer and longer. Duo was finally forced to break it off before he spilled his tea in his lap.

As Heero drew back, Duo let his hand trail down along his cheek, marveling at the turn of events. "And to think," he murmured aloud. "All this time I was so afraid. Damn, if I'd know this was going to happen, I'd have written that stupid letter long ago."

"Ditto," Heero said, smiling slightly. 

Duo frowned at him slightly. "Why did you wait so long after reading it to bring this up?" he asked. 

"Because I wasn't sure why you had gotten rid of it," Heero answered. "It seems stupid in retrospect, but I guess I thought you might have changed your mind about me. I guess I was waiting to see if you would try again, but then I realized you wouldn't, so I had to."

"Changed my mind," Duo snorted. "As if I could ever change my mind about you."

"I hope you never do," Heero murmured, leaning back down for another kiss.

"Oh, don't worry." Duo answered. "I won't."

Owari


End file.
